Ohio Man Buys More Guns To Protect Himself From More Guns

“Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight,“ is a popular phrase in Ohio. “And if you do, make sure it’s attached to an AK-47 with extended clips and explosive ammunition,” says Akron citizen Dale Johnson. Dale, like many residents of the state, is in a constant arms race with his neighbors. “I have 7 guns but my neighbor has 9, so I’m gonna buy 3 more to have 11,” says Johnson. “It’s basic math.” When asked how he knows his neighbor has more guns than him, Dale gave reporters a hollow-eyed stare and said, “You’re right. I’ll buy 4 more.”

In lieu of spending their stimulus checks on rent, food and toilet paper, Dale and others have decided to spend the money on more ammunition (“the toilet paper of the assault rifle”). “If guns keep my family, my tigers, and my other guns safe, they’re worth it.” 

“Some people are worried,” says Johnson. “But I think we’ll be OK. Here in Ohio, we’ll just keep on sprayin’ and prayin’.”

  • The Terminal Times

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