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Residents Agree: Burnt Minneapolis “Still Better Than St. Paul”

After the riots have settled, a debate as old as the Twin Cities still rages on. And even as the last of the city’s grocery stores burn down, Minneapolis residents are still just as annoying. “Right here where we’re standing is Prince’s old stomping grounds,” said downtown resident Jared Gross, on the ashy remains of…

Study: 1 Out of 10 Dentists Hate Teeth

I’m sure you’ve seen the ads for many popular dental products that enjoy the endorsement from 9 out of 10 dentists. Well what the hell’s up with that one dentist, you might ask. A new study has revealed the reason; they secretly hate teeth.  To find out more, we tracked down one of these dentists…

New Avengers Movie to Feature Every Superhero Ever

It seems like it’s been nearly 2 long weeks since the last Avengers movie came out, with cinematic enthusiasts anxiously waiting for the much anticipated release of Avengers 14, Avenge Harder.  With Hollywood discovering the box office success of cramming as many superheroes onto one silver screen as super-humanly fucking possible, they’ve decided to go all…

Local News Source Lands Walmart Sponsorship

Well folks, it’s official! Local news source “The Terminal Times” just landed a sponsorship with “Walmart”! We’ve compiled a list of statements by celebrities and the elite regarding the new business partnerships 1. Tom Cruise Congratulations to “The Terminal Times” for the new sponsorship Tom Cruise 2. Oprah Winfrey Congratulations to Walmart and The Terminal…

BREAKING NEWS: Couple Undergoes Nasty Breakup, According to Upstairs Neighbor

Late Sunday evening, local woman Alison Green was minding her own business when the sounds of other people’s bullshit started to fill her apartment. Young couple Ryan Stevens and Annie Fig had moved into the unit below Green in December 2020. Since then, Green says they have fought continuously.  “What began as normal bitching soon…

GameStop Stock Soars, Employees Still Pussies Though

As Reddit geeks caused GameStop’s stock to soar over 100% this week, it’s been noted by Wall Street financial experts that over 90% of GameStop employees are still nerd losers. “I made 100K off those pussies,” said edge-lord Reddit user Anthony Busci yesterday, “I’m beating up some GameStop employees and buying a PS9.” • The…

Bernie Sanders: Teleporter?

On Friday, CIA began an investigation in regards to the possible teleportation/cloning abilities of Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders, after he appeared in 73,932 locations in a span of 24 hours. The Terminal Times Former game-show host Donald Trump claimed the mass cloning was a result of “spirit cooking. On Parler, Trump said “Cold Bernie Sanders…

Self-Proclaimed Patriots Storm Nickelodeon Universe In Protest Of Shutdown

While many believed there was possibility of heated protests at the Minnesota State Capitol this past week, few were prepared for the insurrection of right-wing extremists at Nickelodeon Universe inside the Mall of America. “We realized something was off when a crowd started forming outside of the log ride,” said Mitchell Morris, a security specialist…

Local News Source Lands BlueChew Sponsorship

Is your dick as soft as your nuts when you’re trying to fuck? Lucky for you, BlueChew.com has the answer! If you’re a loser who can’t get stiffies, every day is like 9/11 for you – with its flag at half mast. Worry no more, idiots, BlueChew.com is the #1 Dick Hardening drug on the…

Elon Musk To Open Vape Shop On Mars In Two Months

    As a Billionaire flamethrower creator and husband of Grimes, Elon Musk is a man on a mission. What mission could be greater than opening a vapery on Mars? On Tuesday, Elon tweeted “vape shop coming soon” with a picture of an anime character.      From PayPal, to simulation theory to SpaceX to Tesla, Musk…

Lawmakers Worry Speeding Up Impeachment Process Will Set Up Expectations For The Future

On Wednesday, House Democrats voted to impeach President Trump for inciting a violet insurrection against the US Government, with hopes of changing things for the better for the first time in American history. The articles of impeachment seem to have been drafted so fast, some representatives have developed whiplash.  It is not yet clear how…

Lucky! This Dog is Completely Unaware of Our Country’s Crumbling Infrastructure

This lucky son of a bitch. Douglas, a local Australian shepherd, and amateur bird-watcher is completely oblivious to the fact that the country is falling apart around him. This dog’s complete ignorance of the suffering of the American people is so extreme, local Republicans are asking him to run for office (after all, they both…

Guy Who’s Only Watched Anime Porn ‘Disappointed’ By Real Vagina

Jack Fredrickson, a Minnesota native, says he’s been watching strictly anime porn since age 15. Jack tells us it all started when he was at church camp in 6th grade, he learned porn could corrupt the young mind and make your sexual expectations too high. Jack tells us he decided that day he would only…

Fish Tank Owner Struggling To Stop Getting Laid

Local fish tank owner Kevin Williams checked himself in to a mental institution on Sunday, claiming owning a fish tank was getting him too much tang. “I’ve got 99 problems, but a fish ain’t one,” said Williams, a 32 year old postal worker from downtown Minneapolis. This news comes just weeks after a local terrarium…

Libtards Storm Capitol Dressed As Gas Station Employees

Conservatives looked on in disdain yesterday as a violent libtard militia stormed Capitol Hill disguised as gas station employees. “This is left-wing terrorism in its lowest form,” said a sweating Gavin McInnes last night. “Trust me, if this were real republicans doing this, we would’ve taken over in half the time, and many, many liberals…

Blue Lives Matter Activist Arrested After Fighting Capitol Police

Known Blue Lives Matter activist Bill Lawless of Virginia was arrested today after rushing past United States Capitol Police screaming “fucking pussies” and “USA” as he waived a thin blue line flag in the air.   Officers eventually subdued Lawless in a struggle after he attempted to sweep the legs of two USCP officers with the…

Viagra Releases New Confederate Pill: “Your South Will Rise Again!”

White men, rejoice! At last, Viagra has teamed up with one of our favorite companies, States Reichs (“Because why stop at three?”) to bring you the Confederate Pill, a medication that promises that your South Will Rise Again. At last, a remedy is available for the impotence that comes from wearing a Confederate flag for…

Ted Cruz Leads 11 Other Republican Senators In Growing Creepy Beards

Texas and Election-Fan-Fiction Author Ted Cruz is leading the pack on a growing number of elderly Republican beards. “Every American man has the right to grow a beard that will make other people uncomfortable,” said Cruz, “11 other Senators and I will be opposing the results of basic grooming.” Although he denies it, many suspect…

Celebrity Gossip: Mr Bean Releases Silent Film Sex Tape

Mr. Bean superstar Rowan Atkinson was caught in a scandal recently, but it’s not as whimsical as you might think. His sex tape, entitled “Bangers, Bean, and Mash” has been leaked and we’ve got the scoop! A canonical continuation of the acclaimed “Mr. Bean”, “Bangers, Bean, and Mash” see’s Mr. Bean learning the ropes of…

Five New Year’s Resolutions You Might Actually Be Capable Of!

It’s that time of year again! Time to harness a year’s worth of self-loathing into a goal or two you hope to achieve to make you feel like less of a lazy loser. Who cares if it’s never worked before, this is your year! In 2020 many people lost their lives and livelihoods, but some…

Mike Pence Asks For Pardon After Catching Glimpse Of Woman’s Ankles

Vice President and Human-White-Crayon Mike Pence is again making headlines as he pleads with President Trump to grant him a pardon after he cast a lewd gaze at a married woman’s ankles.  “I knew if I showed my bare arms on television, the sinister sex-crazed media would start to change me,” said Pence in a…

Manscaped Says “Merry Christmas,” To Local News Source, Thanks Them For The Sponsorship

Just one week after being ranked “Top News Source In The World” By Forbes Magazine, local news source The Terminal Times received a shout-out from reputable ball-shaving business “Manscaped.com!” “We’d like to say thank you to the Terminal Times for the sponsorship,” said Manscaped CEO Pete Tran on Sunday morning. “Really good, trustworthy news,” added…

Amazon Acquires North Pole, Elves To Strike On Christmas Eve

After threats of a strike forced Amazon into giving bonuses to their workers, the shipping giant made a big move to find a cheaper and more easily exploited workforce.   Last week, Amazon merged with the North Pole and harnessed the mythical powers of the most trusted assembly line workers of all time: Santa’s elves.  In…

Mighty Ducks Star Turns His Back On The Body Positivity Movement

In a country where 60% of its occupants are obese, somehow it’s becoming harder and harder for fatties to find representation in the media. After becoming famous for being a chunky child, actor Shaun Weiss decided to start smoking meth and leave his unhealthy lifestyle behind him. Weiss is best known for his role as…

75% Of Delivery Drivers Admit To Rubbing Your Produce On Their Genitals

A recent poll reveals a truth we’ve often suspected. A whopping 75% of grocery shoppers and delivery drivers say they’ve rubbed their junk on produce intended for clients at least once. The poll was conducted amongst a sampling of workers in the delivery industry who are employed by different brands in varying markets. We talked…

100% Of Female Scientists Agree: “You Know What You Did.”

According to findings done by all the female scientists in the world and beyond, you know exactly what you did to result in your current unfavorable conditions. In a statement, all female scientist declared that: The mere fact that you require clarification only reinforces the report of you being “a total dickweed.” Your hypotheses of…

Mike Pence Refused To Let Family Watch His Televised Vaccination Due To Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Science

Vice President and politically-active saltine cracker, Mike Pence, refused to let his family watch his televised vaccination. “Television is violent enough as it is,” he said in his statement, “Not only does the vaccination contain a graphic amount of violence – it also has a frightening amount of science and medical advice.” He told the…

Twin Cities Woman Has First Orgasm When Vaccine Arrives At Minneapolis VA Medical Center

A Maple Grove woman was watching the local news on Monday morning when something amazing happened. Marissa Walters, 26, sat on her parents’ couch unassumingly when footage of the vaccine’s arrival at the Minneapolis VA hospital caught her off guard and stirred feelings she’d never felt before. Overcum with hot wet confusion, she was perplexed…but…

Somalia Says “No Thank You” To Minneapolis Refugees

“Ya we’re gonna have to pass,” said Somalian President Mohamed Abdullahi Farmajo when questioned on whether he was going to accept an influx of Minneapolis residents. “How could I allow a group of people who put salt on watermelon to come and tarnish our lovely ocean front country?” Josh Gordan, a resident of the Powderhorn…

Secret Service To Partner With Life Alert For Biden Presidency

The Secret Service plans to make some changes to security strategies at The White House in preparation for Biden‘s presidency. In addition to standard protections, one thing that will be different from past administrations is the addition of a medical alert system for the ancient President elect. The Secret Service plans to partner with known…

Michigan Lady Tapped As Speaker For 2021 RNC

After her articulate and memorable testimony in Michigan’s Election Fraud hearing, Melissa Carone has been chosen as the keynote speaker for the 2021 Republican National Convention. “I’m a-sspeaking at the Republican Natural Convection, are you?” she said in a statement to the Terminal Times. Given that her verbal communication surpasses most people in Trump’s administration,…

Local Incel Removes Body Hair, Gains Respect From Women

Garrett Leibowitz, 25, of Anoka has enjoyed “God-level” status amongst the incel communities on Reddit and 4Chan in recent years, thanks to his ruthless putdowns and scathing insults of females of all ages, ethnicities and occupations. That recently changed, however, thanks to Leibowitz’s mother and the Lawn Mower 3.0 hair trimmer by MANSCAPED. Leibowitz, who…

LEAKED REPORT: China Has Been Collecting Data From TikTok For Over Two Years, And All They’ve Learned Is That Rich Kids Are Fucking Dumb

It’s been said that children are our future–well, China has seen the face of America’s future, and they are disgusted. An analysis of years of TikTok data collected from US accounts resulted in one overwhelming conclusion by Chinese officials: America’s youth are dumber than a box of bricks. The leaked report outlined three core characteristics…

CDC Furious That Alien Monolith Not Following Travel Guidelines

CDC officials are livid after hearing the news that even the alien monolith that landed in Utah is not following travel guidelines. “First, the President holds rallies, then everybody goes home for Thanksgiving, and now this alien monolith is just CASUALLY traveling internationally,” said CDC Direct Robert Redfield, “It’s not even wearing a mask!” The…

Pope Francis Apologizes For Liking Butt Photo Instead Of Altar Boy

The Vatican released an apology statement earlier today in regards to an incident that happened in mid-November. On the 13th, it appeared The Pope had liked a photo of a grown woman’s ass on Instagram. Pope Francis said he’d liked the Brazilian model’s dumper on accident, as it appeared in his feed directly above a…

Welcome Our Newest Sponsor: Manscaped.com

This publication is brought to you by: Refining the Gentleman Do you have a dirty little hairy penis? Do you have stinky balls? Does your shit get tangled up in your asscrack when you shit? If so, The Terminal Times would like to offer you an exclusive deal with our new sponsor, Manscaped. With the…

Local Satire Newspaper Demands Resume, Writing Sample, Drivers License, Proof Of Insurance, Saliva Sample, Social Security, Writing Sample Translated To Sanskrit, Full Body Photo And Direct Deposit Info While Joblessness Statistics At An All Time High

Local Satire Newspaper demands resume, sample writing, drivers license, proof of insurance, saliva sample, social security, sample writing translated to Sanskrit, full body photo, and direct deposit info while joblessness statistics hit an all time high. In what seems like a satire move in of itself, local satire newspaper “The Terminal Times” released a post…

Woman With Chronic Anxiety Still Consuming Enough Coffee To Kill A Small Horse

Despite having chronic anxiety, Angela continues to drink liquid anxiety. “It wakes me up to the myriad of horrible futures I’ve created in my mind,” she said, “Nothing helps me catastrophize like my morning cup of oh no.”  Coffee has increased in popularity ever since human beings began to be viewed as labor-saving devices for…

Emperor Refuses To Admit Death Star Was Blown Up

Emperor Palpatine retweeted another video claiming that the rebellion’s “successful” destruction of the Death Star was a complete fraud. “Don’t believe everything you see on the holo,” the Emperor declared, “I can feel the anger flowing out of these mainstream news outlets.”  Almost 3 weeks after the rebels blew up the Death Star, the Emperor…

Store Owners Asking Shoppers To Trample Each Other From Safe Distance Tonight

Stores are urging shoppers to keep a safe distance while trampling each other this Black Friday. “Your safety is our number one priority, especially if you’re poor and fat” said local Walmart Manager Hank Kilmer, “we’re requiring masks and at least 6 feet of distance for stomping out other customers.” Sanitizer is also provided if…

Donkey From Shrek Cancelled Due To Homophobic Slurs

Donkey, you can’t say that! Twitter is enraged and disappointed after Donkey from Shrek was caught calling a podcast host a “f****t” last week, and now, PC culture is doing everything they can to uncover his past homophobic mistakes. In recently leaked footage, Donkey was caught acting out grotesque and inappropriate impressions of celebrities having…

Damn, Koalas Are Dumb As Hell!

For the first time in history, scientists at Australia University said “croiwkey mate, koalas are dumb as hell!” The formerly cute and auspicious species was deemed “Officially Dumb” after a researcher noticed a koala looking dumber than a box of bricks hanging upside down from a tree. “These delightful little idiots make my life absolute…

JJ Abrams’ Adaption Of 2021 To Use Same Basic Plot Points From 2020

JJ Abrams –  cancel-culture’s new Joss Whedon – is helming an adaption of 2021. Reportedly, he will be using the same basic plot elements from 2020, including bringing back fan favorites like Dr. Anthony Fauci. In a pandering money grab decision, Abrams is recasting Dr. Fauci as an elderly African American man and reluctant mentor…

Jeff Bezos Donates Thousands Of Old Amazon Boxes To The Homeless

In a stunning demonstration of generosity, Bezos is donating  thousands of gently-used cardboard boxes to the homeless.  “Why should I have so much paper while the homeless have so little?” He tweeted on Monday, after an interview in which he bemoaned the Federal Government’s all-but-nonexistent cardboard relief plan. “I see homeless people on TV. There’s…

Tim Waltz, Tim Salsa, But Tim Can’t Breakdance

Tim Waltz, Tim Cha-Cha, But Tim Can’t Breakdance Tim Waltz, Tim Swing, But Tim Can’t Breakdance Tim Waltz, Tim Tango, But Tim Can’t Breakdance Tim Waltz, Tim Jitterbug, But Tim Can’t Breakdance Tim Waltz, Tim Tap, But Tim Can’t Breakdance Tim Waltz, Tim Breakdown, But Tim Can’t Breakdance Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times

Satire Article Bombs Due To Increase In Popularity Of Netflix Documentary

2020 refuses to relent! When the lockdown started in April, thousands of self-proclaimed comedians took to social media to express their generic views on masks, Trump, and Tiger King. But now, the newest blow to mediocre internet comedy has come in the form of the Netflix documentary, “The Social Dilemma.” Hundreds of social media users…

Progress? Paw Patrol Changes Theme Song To NWA’s “Fuck The Police”

In a startling and unsolicited act of solidarity, Nickelodeon has changed Paw Patrol’s Theme song to NWA’s “Fuck the Police.” Arguing that it would be a helpful bridge for parents to teach their children All Cops Are Bad, show creator Keith Chapman states that “children are never too young to learn to fuck the police.”…

White House Preschool Teacher Excited To Have Former Student Rejoin Class

Patricia Dawkins has been the residential preschool teacher to the White House since George H.W. Bush, and is honored to have her former student rejoin her class. Not only is she regaining one of her favorite students, Joe Biden, but is losing her worst one yet, Donald Trump. “You know, it’s gonna be nice to…

CDC Warns Of Steep Uptick In Borat Impressions

It seems another potentially catastrophic epidemic is on the horizon, as the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have reported a significant number of Borat impressions happening throughout the United States.  “On average, we typically see anywhere from 200 to 300 Borat impressions reported each month,” says Colin Brown, communications director with the CDC. “We…

COVID-19: Where Are They Now?

Several days have passed since the election and, just as several Youtube Epidemiologists predicted, COVID-19 has all but vanished. It’s been over 9 months since COVID left the nation breathless, working hand-in-hand with the liberal media to convince the American people that a President who mishandles a national emergency should be replaced. Now that the…

Yoga Instructor With Misaligned Chakras Murders 13

A tragedy unfolded as 13 people were brutally murdered by yoga instructor Eliana Adriana after what she referred to as “a really off-morning.” “Yeah, I skipped my apple cider vinegar this morning and I think that’s where things started to go wrong,” she confessed, covered in her students’ essential oils. “I was just not in…

Trump Declares Himself Winner Of Second Civil War

DC – President Trump shocked the nation this morning after he declared himself the winner of the upcoming 2nd Civil War.  His victory surprised many as his supporters were on stand-by to at least start the Civil War before announcing their victory.  “Start making the monuments, stop having the battles,” he said, “because as far…

Proud Boy Suffering From Electile Dysfunction

For Garret Greensbro, a man whose truck definitely has the Punisher logo on it, his election anxiety has turned into electile dysfunction. Even at the young age of 37, he is having trouble mustering up the strength to harass Biden voters. “I swear, I’ve just had too much to drink,” he said, “I really do…

Woman Entering “The Bachelorette” Shocked By Ensuing Drama

Who could have guessed that a nationally-televised event where one woman dates 31 different men would include some drama? Not Claire, our eternally 39-year-old bachelorette who is also eternally hopeful that a reality television show will produce the man of her dreams. Using the principles that made “As Seen on TV” products a success, Claire…

Local Badass Opts For Manly Bandana Over Womanly Facemask

Local cowboy cosplayer Brandon is opting out of the womanly facemask and going for the ballsier bandana to cover his face. “Sure, it falls off literally all the time and basically makes it useless,” he said, “but at least I look like a pudgy Butch Cassidy.” For Brandon, this is just another way to show…

Gun Rights Activist Will Not Stop Until All Guns Can Get Married

Americans everywhere have the right to bear arms, but local gun-rights activist Craig Kilner believes that arms should have the right to bear their hearts to one another.  “They’re automatic weapons,” he said, “but that doesn’t mean they automatically have all their rights.” Craig had made a lifetime of fighting for gun rights but back…

2X4 Tired And Board

Things are lackluster for the legions of lumber laying around these days. And this construction site is feeling anything but constructive for this poor 2X4.   “People measure me all the time,” the board said, wiping sap from his eyes, “so I guess that’s why I feel like I never measure up.” He said the guys…

Cookie Sheet Kicked Off Cooking Show After Sharing Half-Baked Idea On Twitter

Cookie Sheet Fired After Sharing Half-Baked Idea on Twitter Producers of the Food Channel series “Bitchin Kitchen” didn’t sugar-coat their statement after firing longtime kitchen member, Sheryl B. Scheet. After sharing a half-baked idea on Twitter, Sheryl the cookie sheet is facing some heat and being forced to fork over her cupboarded position in the…

Guantanamo Bae?! George W. Bush’s Glow-Up

Former President George W Bush shocked the world on Thursday after posting a picture of himself after a full blow-out with the caption, “Felt cute. Might bomb Pakistan later, idk.”  The former President took to social media to show off his new makeover, featuring hair, nails, the whole 9/11 yards. Known as the President during…

Guy Who Lives In Snowy Climate Pissed It’s Snowing

Minnesota local Garret Wilson is absolutely livid that the cold weather has once again returned to an area of the country that he knew would be cold when he moved to it. “I just can’t believe it’s snowing,” he said, “Sure, it snows every year, but I just can’t believe it. It gets worse every…

Opinion: Trust In Gourd

Too long have we worshiped in the patch of the Great Pumpkin, being tossed too and fro by pumpkin spice parables.  I know many people’s first thought is, “Ugg, this again?” But hear me out! We are all bad apples and we’ve fallen short from the tree, we have to return to the one true…

Study: Less Than 1% Of Crackheads Will Give You Some Crack

Crackhead researchers at the University of Ohio have released an interesting new study, claiming crack addicts rarely (if ever) share their crack. “After years of studying crackheads in the wild, we’ve found that less than 1% of crackheads will give you some crack,” said renowned crackologist Joshua Anderson, “this number is particularly astonishing when you…

Governor Of ThickKansas Signs Ass Mandate

Laura Kelly, Governor of ThicKansas and dump-truck-butt admirer, has signed the state’s first Ass Mandate. “Starting Tuesday, we will require people who want to congregate to have bodacious booties,” she said in today’s press conference, “It’s simply reckless to let large groups gather without the proper thickage.” This comes on the heels of essential workers…

Bat Stocks Plummet

A greatly underspoken effect of covid-19 is its total destruction of the recently rising bat economy. Since March, bat stocks have plummeted, breaking records and creating a new bat recession. Bat finances haven’t been this shaky since the late 1800s, when fear of Bram Stoker’s “Count Dracula” was in its prime. Some experts say coronavirus…

Walz Signs Executive Order To Eliminate Margarine, “Stop The Spread!”

I can’t believe it’s not legal! Starting Tuesday, a margarine ban will be in effect for bars, restaurants, and other indoor venues throughout Minnesota. Walz issued a statement pleading with residents not to bring their own margarine into restaurants. “We have to get this under control,” he said, “We can’t have another slip-up.” Critics have…

White Woman Has Hairy Armpits And Opinions On Things

Veronica Harfor (@GirlBossBF) of Uptown, has hairy armpits and opinions on things.  “I’m open minded and I don’t care what you think,” said Veronica at presstime, “we shouldn’t be raising our children straight!”  Veronica spends most of her day tweeting half baked thoughts and opinions. “A lot of people are put off by her ideas,…

Man Eases Into Vegetarianism By Refusing To Eat Leather Boots

Brandon McDonald is taking a radical step towards vegetarianism with what he calls an “unprecedented move” for himself – he’s cutting out leather.  “No, no, I’m still WEARING leather. It’s EATING it that’s where I’m starting,” he said over his steak and eggs breakfast with a side of breakfast sausage, “Yes, I’m a vegetarian. Yes,…

2020 Shows Sneak Peek Of Our Christmas Present

We’ve still got a lot to look forward to! According to our anonymous, present-shaking source, 2020 is preparing something very big for the end of the year. “Trump had his big October surprise,” said our source, “but you should see 2020’s December surprise!” That’s right! Not only has 2020 given us a global pandemic and…

UFC Fighter Spawns Outrage Due To Well-Thought-Out, Non-Racist Comments

This past weekend, UFC fighter Eric “Predator” Peters caused a stir outside of the cage with a series of well-crafted comments during a Reddit “Ask Me Anything (AMA)” with fans.  The controversy began when Peters was asked his feelings on defunding local police. BloodHole18: “heyy @EPpredator31, u baptized Sanchez last night with those elbowz! also,…

Light Up Your Blunt-O-Lanterns, Potheads, It’s October 4-20!

October 4th, 2020 As Halloween approaches, the 4-20 of October has arrived! Stoners everywhere are preparing to smoke pot all day and watch horror movies on Netflix!  Light up your blunt-o-lanterns, potheads, it’s October 4-20!  “I’m gonna smoke pot all day and watch Black Mirror on my Xbox,” said local weed freak Jeremy Walters, “it’s…

750,000 Twitter Users Taken Into FBI Custody

After Twitter banned users from sharing memes wishing death upon the president, 750,000 account holders have been taken into FBI custody. The users were banned from the platform and immediately arrested for tweeting things such as, “i hope trump dies lol,” and “lol, i hope trump dies.” “750,000, that’s a lot of people,” said a…

Trump Claims Banging Hot Wife And Daughter “Obliterated” COVID

“Just 24 hours after testing positive for coronavirus, President Trump claims to have cured the diesease by having sex with his hot wife and possibly daughter. The claim has scientists everywhere asking “could Russian pussy be the cure?”   “I cured it. Some say, ‘did he?’ I really did, I cured it. Tremendous. Ivank- I mean…

God Is CANCELED

Find yourself a new Creator of the Universe, folks, because God is being canceled. Twitter took to storm this week after finding out that God, age infinity, impregnated Mother Mary at just the age of 14! People all over the world are asking God to step down as Creator of the Universe, while others are…

Eric Trump Sheds Single Tear As Father Announces He’s “Proud, Boys”

The acceptance Eric has been craving for his entire life was granted to him while America’s two dad’s fought over who was the worst parent and who would eventually get custody of the dumpster fire they created. “I will stand by for you, sweet sweet father,” said Eric as a single tear streamed down his …

Ten Takeaways From The Trainwreck

1. We’re fucked 2. We’re fucked 3. We’re fucked 4. We’re fucked 5. We’re fucked 6. We’re fucked 7. We’re fucked 8. We’re fucked 9. We’re fucked 10. Etc • Terminal Times

“Only Certainties In Life Are Debt And Tax Evasion,” Says Trump’s Financial Advisor

After the bombshell revelation that President and hand-gesture enthusiast Donald J. Trump has cheated on his taxes for the past 20 years, the effects are felt throughout the White House. According to a source close to the White House, Melania Trump is devastated. “I thought I was the only thing he cheated on!” she’s reported…