Amazon Acquires North Pole, Elves To Strike On Christmas Eve

After threats of a strike forced Amazon into giving bonuses to their workers, the shipping giant made a big move to find a cheaper and more easily exploited workforce.  

Last week, Amazon merged with the North Pole and harnessed the mythical powers of the most trusted assembly line workers of all time: Santa‚Äôs elves. 

In addition to their toy-making and daily jolly duties, the elves were told that they must now pack, sort and ship gifts for Jeff Bezos. The elves say the added pressure to get both rounds of presents out before Christmas is really ‘fudged up.’

“There’s no way that we can ship all of these Instapots and still have time to prep Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet…” a Head Elf told us as he frantically stuffed packing filler into a cardboard box. 

On Tuesday, several elves were crushed under pallets of fire sticks arriving from China in Santa’s repurposed sleigh. Amazon’s only response was to provide only one extra packet of hot chocolate per elf. 

“If Santa weren’t such a fat greedy asshole, we would never be in this mess,” an injured elf grumbled. “Where’s the fat man now?”

Head Elves say they are organizing walk-outs and a Christmas Eve strike. Their list of demands includes workers’ compensation benefits, 401Ks and Jeff Bezos’ head on a peppermint stick.

  • Cianna Violet, Terminal Times