Elon Musk To Open Vape Shop On Mars In Two Months

    As a Billionaire flamethrower creator and husband of Grimes, Elon Musk is a man on a mission. What mission could be greater than opening a vapery on Mars? On Tuesday, Elon tweeted “vape shop coming soon” with a picture of an anime character. 

    From PayPal, to simulation theory to SpaceX to Tesla, Musk does everything he can to remain worshipped on atheist Reddit forums. To further his alliance with the site, he is targeting the vape demographics in the Reddit communities.(90% of Redditors use some form of electronic cigarette, ref. Forbes). 

    The products will include pictures of Neal Degrasse Tyson and paintings of Jesus riding a motorcycle shooting a flamethrower into the sky. When we caught up with him last week, he called us “cool” for some reason and hired our janitor to be a co-owner of the vapery. 

Some say Musk is starting the vapery because of Grimes, due to the fact that she looks like the human form of a Juul, and that he’s with her so he can be accustomed to martians at the vape shops he plans to open on the planet. Others say he’s doing it because of his rich hipster attitude.

    Mars will become the first non-Earth planet to legalize vaping nicotine products. 

    “Would it be immoral, to send everyone who vapes to Mars?” asked Musk, “it’s quite obvious that these people need to go.” 

Will vape shops exist in outer space by March of this year? Who knows. Did he really think we were cool? Probably not. But hey, check out Manscaped.com for some great deals on male ball trimming equipment, and use coupon code “TTimes” for free shipping and 10% off every order!

• The Terminal Times

Lawmakers Worry Speeding Up Impeachment Process Will Set Up Expectations For The Future

On Wednesday, House Democrats voted to impeach President Trump for inciting a violet insurrection against the US Government, with hopes of changing things for the better for the first time in American history.

The articles of impeachment seem to have been drafted so fast, some representatives have developed whiplash. 

It is not yet clear how the Senate will vote when it reconvenes for a trial. However, there is bi-partisan worry that swift action now could lead to expectations in the future and create the impression lawmakers are capable of doing anything meaningful in the future.

Cianna Violet, Terminal Times

Lucky! This Dog is Completely Unaware of Our Country’s Crumbling Infrastructure

This lucky son of a bitch. Douglas, a local Australian shepherd, and amateur bird-watcher is completely oblivious to the fact that the country is falling apart around him.

This dog’s complete ignorance of the suffering of the American people is so extreme, local Republicans are asking him to run for office (after all, they both tried to stop the mailman just as much last fall).

  • Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times

Guy Who’s Only Watched Anime Porn ‘Disappointed’ By Real Vagina

Jack Fredrickson, a Minnesota native, says he’s been watching strictly anime porn since age 15. Jack tells us it all started when he was at church camp in 6th grade, he learned porn could corrupt the young mind and make your sexual expectations too high. Jack tells us he decided that day he would only watch anime porn because “it doesn’t count if they’re not real.”

“I really thought I was safe, no way it could ruin sexual experiences for me.”

Or so Jack thought. On Jan 5th 2021, Jack took a girl home for the first time to get some action, Jack says he was shocked at what he saw.

    “I just thought there would be a little more.. I don’t know..pixels..? She took her pants off and I couldn’t believe all the vaginal detail. I barely knew what it was or what to do. I knew I had a problem.”

Jack checked himself into the only known anime porn rehabilitation center the next day (located in Louisiana for some reason?). He didn’t know what to expect treatment wise, but he couldn’t continue to live like this.

“My first day of treatment was basically them making me jack off to regular porn, the second day was the same. My third day, after I discharged, I was discharged and sent home. I’m looking forward to this new life I’ve made for myself.”

• James Stanley, Terminal Times

Fish Tank Owner Struggling To Stop Getting Laid

Local fish tank owner Kevin Williams checked himself in to a mental institution on Sunday, claiming owning a fish tank was getting him too much tang.

“I’ve got 99 problems, but a fish ain’t one,” said Williams, a 32 year old postal worker from downtown Minneapolis.

This news comes just weeks after a local terrarium owner hung himself, writing in his Suicide note: “too… many… Hooters…”

Williams is projected to be released from the psych ward in February, planning to start a new life as a gay man who doesn’t own fish no more.

• The Terminal Times

Republican Amazed Antifa Agent That Stormed Capitol Was Undercover As Trump Supporter For 4 Years

Local Trump supporter Jason Hudum  is amazed by the amount of deceit undercover Antifa agents are capable of. After seeing his longtime friend, Garret, on the news storming the Capitol, he quickly realized that Garret has been an undercover Antifa agent the entire time.

“I had beers with him every Friday night,” said Hudum, clearly shaken up, “We talked for hours about how much we loved Trump, and HE’S Antifa?”

Jason went on to say this is the most disappointed he’s felt since Last Man Standing was canceled. “But it adds up, doesn’t it? The libtards and Antifa don’t want Trump voted out of office so of course, they would interrupt the event where Trump is getting voted out of office.”

While Derek mourns the loss of a good friend, he is encouraged that at the end of the day he still has one constant: President Trump. 

  • Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times

Libtards Storm Capitol Dressed As Gas Station Employees

Conservatives looked on in disdain yesterday as a violent libtard militia stormed Capitol Hill disguised as gas station employees.

“This is left-wing terrorism in its lowest form,” said a sweating Gavin McInnes last night. “Trust me, if this were real republicans doing this, we would’ve taken over in half the time, and many, many liberals would die. Left wing propaganda is no match for the iron fist of Axe Body spray and off brand assault rifles.” Other conservative reporters agreed, claiming libtards were “too wussy” to use extreme violence.  

Dilbert creator Scott Adams explained the situation in a three hour podcast at 4am this morning, claiming the attacks were proof of “widespread fraud,” and that machines shouldn’t be allowed to vote due to “lack of sentience.” Adams spent 30 minutes making a visual representation of the chaos, which professional code-breakers were too bored to decipher.

Libtard leaders argued the points, saying the gun-toting Speedway janitors May suffer from “lack of sentience” themselves.

• The Terminal Times

Blue Lives Matter Activist Arrested After Fighting Capitol Police

Known Blue Lives Matter activist Bill Lawless of Virginia was arrested today after rushing past United States Capitol Police screaming “fucking pussies” and “USA” as he waived a thin blue line flag in the air.  

Officers eventually subdued Lawless in a struggle after he attempted to sweep the legs of two USCP officers with the pole of his flag. At the time of his arrest police found Lawless in possession of pepper spray, throwing knives, and an extra-large butt plug.  

Once at the jail a strip search of Lawless revealed a tooth brush lodged inside his anus. He claims to have found the tooth brush in the office of House Speaker Pelosi.

Lawless has no previous criminal history and charges have yet to be filed.

• Cianna Violet, Terminal Times

Viagra Releases New Confederate Pill: “Your South Will Rise Again!”

White men, rejoice! At last, Viagra has teamed up with one of our favorite companies, States Reichs (“Because why stop at three?”) to bring you the Confederate Pill, a medication that promises that your South Will Rise Again.

At last, a remedy is available for the impotence that comes from wearing a Confederate flag for too many years. Sure, you lost the Civil War, but that doesn’t mean you need to lose your erections too!

Don’t let those softy lib-tards tear down your monuments!

We know us guys have the same problems: immigrants, impotence, and the inability to express the deep hurt that comes from not being loved by our fathers. Well, we can’t get rid of immigrants (yet) but we can help you become “the man of the house” with your rebel flag at full mast! 

We promise that after just 72 doses, you will be seeing stars and bars! We cannot promise that women will want to be near you, but with this new lamestream media “consent” hoax, who can? Really none of us are safe as long as our country is being held hostage by women, immigrants, and science.

Let your member be as invigorated as you were learning how to vote in the 2016 erection!

Just as you like, our little red pill is completely unregulated with no government oversight! Of course, we can’t guarantee it’s safety and it’s probably just calcified horse semen, but we know our demographic can’t read more than a few words, so I think we’re good.

We would also like to thank some of our other sponsors including Cars That Plow Into Crowds of Minorities, and Assault Rifles (“Assault rifles, we shoot loads almost as quickly as you do.”)

• Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times