National Guard Still Training

Today marks the 100 year anniversary of military training for the entire National Guard, and the soldiers are happy to not have to do anything.

“It’s cool to have guns,” said Jeremy Rogers, a 17 year old Sergeant on a smoke break at a local training facility. “Want a hit?”

Rogers is an expert Guards Trainer, specializing in sitting down, cracking a beer, and chilling with the boys. “I let us smoke inside now,” he said with a cough and a fist bump from a dreadheaded corporal. “It’s awesome.”

Although chill environments are a staple of National training outposts, many soldiers are a bit confused about the lack of respect towards their duty.

“People thank me for my service when they see my suit,” said Rogers with a laid back demeanor, “but as soon as they see ‘National Guard’ on it, I get accused of being a drug dealer.”

To most Guardsman, however, the ridicule is worth it. “I’ve retired a few times in the past few years for veteran benefits,” he said with a Patriotic grin. Like most National soldiers, Rogers is happy to be an American. Getting wasted, having a gun, and mooching off the government.

December 22, 2021

  • The Terminal Times

Kentucky Not In Kentucky No More

Much like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, tornados have sent the entire state of Kentucky to everywhere that’s not Kentucky.

Kernel Sanders was spotted in a large dust storm in Florida, a group of racehorses were spotted flying in West Virginia, and bluegrass music has left the country entirely.

Political leaders are en route to the state to assess the damage, and their gastrointestinal doctors report similar “large winds” from their Southern Regions.

December 20, 2021

• The Terminal Times

Mayor Frey Spotted Vaping CBD At Jamba Juice

According to paparazzi reports, Minneapolis mayor Jacob Frey was spotted today vaping and longboarding in a Jamba Juice parking lot, visibly inebriated off of kombucha and vape shop CBD.

In response to the eyewitness reports, Frey resigned from his leadership positions at the Edina bicycle club and the Minnetonka golf committee.

It’s a sad day for Minneapolis politicians, almost as shameful as that time Governor Walz failed to wear ACAB merch at his internationally televised covid vaccination.

• The Terminal Times

Study: 1 Out of 10 Dentists Hate Teeth

I’m sure you’ve seen the ads for many popular dental products that enjoy the endorsement from 9 out of 10 dentists. Well what the hell’s up with that one dentist, you might ask. A new study has revealed the reason; they secretly hate teeth. 

To find out more, we tracked down one of these dentists who was willing to give us an exclusive interview under the condition we conceal his identity and not mention his own weird gummy face hole (oops). 

“When I was a child I was bitten by a wild stranger. I was scarred for life, and from then on I made it my life’s mission to fight the evil and pain that teeth can inflict on others,” said the vengeful dentist.

Not only do they refuse to side with the majority of dentists recommending toothpastes that fight things like gingivitis and tooth decay, but according to our anonymous dentist, they actively engage in dental practices that are likely to cause teeth to fall out of one’s face at an alarming rate.

“I don’t know what the others do, but personally I like to prescribe my patients with a special toothpaste containing sand, and then advise them to dip their toothbrush in coca cola before brushing,” he said. “If you’ve ever seen someone with what looks like meth mouth, but they’re fat or don’t have meth face to match, that’s probably one of my patients.”

Andrew Sherman, Terminal Times

New Avengers Movie to Feature Every Superhero Ever

It seems like it’s been nearly 2 long weeks since the last Avengers movie came out, with cinematic enthusiasts anxiously waiting for the much anticipated release of Avengers 14, Avenge Harder

With Hollywood discovering the box office success of cramming as many superheroes onto one silver screen as super-humanly fucking possible, they’ve decided to go all out for the 14th installment of the franchise.

“People used to just go see movies with one or two superheroes,” said director Tommy Wiseau. “But with people being so ADD nowadays, we decided it would be better if we just threw in every single fictional character we could think of, and just have them all flying and jumping and flipping around and stuff. Then you put the movie in 3D and watch the money role in. It doesn’t matter how bad that writing is. People will watch it. People are idiots.”

  • Andrew Sherman, Terminal Times