PETA Criticizes Animal Crossing For Not Giving Them Anything To Complain About

PETA has been waiting patiently for the release of “Animal Crossing: New Horizons,” a social simulation video game that places your character in a town full of friendly anthropomorphic animals, hoping that it might finally give them something new to complain about. Unfortunately, PETA has found nothing wrong with the game. “We greatly rely on animal cruelty to keep this business afloat, and the utter lack of it in Animal Crossing is disturbing and reprehensible,” said PETA President Ingrid Newkirk. “At PETA, most of our time is spent complaining, and our greatest fear is that animals might start getting treated better so we have nothing new to complain about.”

Complaining is a multi-million dollar industry in the animal-rights world, and PETA was hoping to cash in on the new Animal Crossing depicting mistreatment of fictional animals in any form. In a recent study published by Forbes, this situation may have cost the animal welfare organization $25K on advertising dollars for potential disgruntled tweets. “We were hoping the game would depict some form of mistreatment of the animals- from misgendering, to cursing near them, or even just bad haircuts,” said Ingrid. “The animals seem pretty thrilled about the situations the developers have put them in, and here at PETA, we can’t stand by that.”

PETA has a long and troubled history of speaking out against the mistreatment of animals in video games. In 2011, PETA criticized “Skyrim: Elder Scrolls V” for their insensitive glorification of dragon poaching. “In Skyrim, dragons should not be ostracized for wreaking havoc on fictional towns such as Windhelm, killing thousands of characters and burning children to death with their flames.”

Although Animal Crossing seems pretty animal-friendly to PETA, they still have a few suggestions for the developers. The one issue PETA has with the game is the fishing feature- which allows characters to go fishing for food. “You’re allowed to go fishing, which we think is demented and archaic. You can catch bugs in the game, why not eat them? Everyone knows they don’t have feelings!”

In her closing statement, Newkirk threatened violence towards her adversaries. “Animal Crossing is too nice to the fictional animals, and anyone who disagrees with us will be euthanized.”

  • The Terminal Times

Viagra Releases New Confederate Pill: “Your South Will Rise Again!”

White men, rejoice! At last, Viagra has teamed up with one of our favorite companies, States Reichs (“Because why stop at three?”) to bring you the Confederate Pill, a medication that promises that your South Will Rise Again.

At last, a remedy is available for the impotence that comes from wearing a Confederate flag for too many years. Sure, you lost the Civil War, but that doesn’t mean you need to lose your erections too!

Don’t let those softy lib-tards tear down your monuments!

We know us guys have the same problems: immigrants, impotence, and the inability to express the deep hurt that comes from not being loved by our fathers. Well, we can’t get rid of immigrants (yet) but we can help you become “the man of the house” with your rebel flag at full mast! 

We promise that after just 72 doses, you will be seeing stars and bars! We cannot promise that women will want to be near you, but with this new lamestream media “consent” hoax, who can? Really none of us are safe as long as our country is being held hostage by women, immigrants, and science.

Let your member be as invigorated as you were learning how to vote in the 2016 erection!

Just as you like, our little red pill is completely unregulated with no government oversight! Of course, we can’t guarantee it’s safety and it’s probably just calcified horse semen, but we know our demographic can’t read more than a few words, so I think we’re good.

We would also like to thank some of our other sponsors including Cars That Plow Into Crowds of Minorities, and Assault Rifles (“Assault rifles, we shoot loads almost as quickly as you do.”)

– The Terminal Times

Tom Brady Retires After Googling Florida

Just 12 days after signing a 2 year, 50 million dollar deal with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, NFL superstar Tom Brady has officially retired. The decision came after a quick Google search of the word “Florida” from his 9 million dollar mansion in Greenwich, Connecticut. 

After grimacing at “Florida problems” he was too rich to have to know about, Tom quickly called his agent to back out of the deal. “I’ll pass,” said Brady. “Have you seen this place?” 

“After doing an in depth Google search of the word Florida, I am now announcing my retirement from the National Football league,” said Brady at a press conference on Wednesday. “I don’t want to spend time near idiots. Knowing that I was nearly duped into having to spend 8 games a year in a place ravaged by alligators, senior citizens and meth, I have lost my love for the game and I will never be coming back.” Brady cited drugs, nursing homes and dying humid despair as his reasons for avoiding the state. “I’ve never seen that much bad stuff all at once in my life.”

• The Terminal Times

Biden Announces Plan To Run In 2020 Special Olympics

Former 2 term Vice President Joe Biden has officially unveiled his plan to run the Steeplechase in the 2020 Special Olympics. Most participants, who have more cognitive ability than Biden, were shocked by the lengths he would go to try and get the PC vote.

Loretta Claiborne, inspiration to thousands and former Gold medalist in the one mile race, half marathon, and bowling was asked after the press release and said she thought it was “retarded.” The Special Olympics started in 1961 by JFK’s sister Eunice Kennedy Shriver to help combat the way the world treated mental retardation. Many feel like Biden is just appropriating the culture as a dementia patient who is not actually retarded. 

When pressed by ESPN on his decision to run, Biden said, “Sometimes a man’s gotta man when it’s time to gotta be. We all have our issues. Mine just are like when you lose the batteries to your wife’s Yo-Yo, who to be fair is black. But I don’t discriminate. I like fried chicken. It’s a funny thing but sometimes you gotta be the one who has to be the man to be where they gotta be on the balls of your toes. Mexicans get it. And I look forward to trying to make it over those jumpy things while doing the jog.”

Study: 93% Of Amish Families Still Have A Lot Of Corn

Surprising, isn’t it? In the midst of a global pandemic, those silly old Amish folks still have a lot of corn. 

Self-isolation is nothing new to the Amish- the traditionalist Christian church fellowship has been quarantined by God since as early as 1693. 

In a quest to investigate how the Amish are doing in this time of crisis, we picked up “The Budget.” a popular Amish newspaper, in an abandoned farmhouse in rural Wisconsin. 

In the article, a local Amish man took a look around his immediate area and realized the preposterous amount of corn that surrounded him. “I figure about 93% of us Amish folk have a lot of corn,” said the writer. 

In the heartwarming story- the writer announces his gratitude for Amish corn, in all its forms. “Normal corn, maze, wheat corn, corn for the livestock, corn for eating, cleaning corn…” The writer goes on for about 3 paragraphs listing the different forms of Amish corn. “We’re just so happy for it.” 

Although the Amish love their corn, it isn’t the only delicious delectable on their menu. The friendly farmers also produce large amounts of wheat, barley and radishes. 

“If it’s one thing the Amish are known for, it’s our cooking,” said the writer. “Everyone loves scraffle, shoofly pie, cabbage rolls, and chow-chow. On special occasions, we just have a big bowl of gravy for dinner.” 

In an ever-changing socially distanced world, the Amish are still thriving. According to some members of the fellowships, corn has a rare immunotoxic chemical inside it that wards off demons and infectious diseases.

Fauci Recommends Washing Hands For 5 Months Straight To Avoid Coronavirus

National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Disease director Anthony Fauci says washing our hands for months in a row will likely eliminate the spread of COVID19. 

“Look, I can’t predict where this virus is heading. But I do know that if we lock ourselves in our own bathrooms and continuously wash our hands from now until August it will likely end this pandemic,” says Fauci. “It will help us with our social distancing and keep us vigilant with our hygiene.”

When Trump commented on Fauci’s remarks he said, “Don’t get me wrong, I like the guy, I like most short people. But I can’t have him telling people that bathrooms are for washing hands. Diapers are for number 1’s and bathrooms are for number 2’s. I know that. We all know that. We are already having issues with toilet paper and now he wants people to get worked up about soap? I can’t have that. I don’t want to be at Easter with my family locked in the bathroom.”

We caught up with Dr. Fauci in the hallway after the press briefing. As we approached, the doctor was rubbing his temples and desperately trying not to vomit into his hands. He then took a handful of medication and washed it down with an unknown liquid from a hidden flask in his coat pocket while muttering a gradually quieting f-bomb into the unsanitary void.

The Terminal Times

Pinterest User Shares Homemade Ventilator Recipe

Using just apple-cider vinegar and a rancid mason jar, YOU can make a homemade ventilator for just THREE dollars!

In a Pinterest post by user missfairyvixen, she provides subscribers with 3 simple steps to make a homemade ventilator from the privacy of your personal quarantine bunker. 

1. Drink 3 cups of apple cider vinegar. 

2. Grab a rancid mason jar from your fruit cupboard.

3. Pour the 4th cup of apple-cider vinegar in to the jar. Let sit for 30 minutes.

Voila! You’ve got yourself a homemade ventilator!

  • The Terminal Times

Local Woman Accidentally Nice To Homeless Man After Mistaking Him For A Hipster

For Molly Freeman, this March’s COVID infested Friday the 13th quickly became scarier than expected. At about 10:30 that morning Molly found herself outside of the popular uptown barcade “Up-Down” speaking to whom she thought was an Uptown hipster.

“At first  glance he had all the tell-tale signs of being a beer snob bohemian; the flannel shirt, the ripped jeans, and the faint yet romantic smell of urine and fermenting yeast,” Molly recalled. “And he was so cute. The dirty beard, the edgy malnourished look, and the just yellow enough teeth screamed ‘I’ve got a liberal arts degree and this look is by choice!’ In the first 15 seconds of seeing him, I knew we’d be going home together.” 

Molly said she thought nothing of the UpDown bouncers not letting him in- “I thought his lack of wallet and ID was just a passive form of social commentary.” In response to the bouncers disapproval, she suggested they just go have a beer at his place- but little did she know, his “place” was literally anywhere. When the man picked up his 2nd cigarette butt from the sidewalk and then rustled through the trash for a 3rd, Molly soon realized that this man was no hipster, but a vagrant trying to buy crack. 

            “I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to spend money on Uber so I spent the night with him under the bridge at Hennepin and Lyndale. His place was an actual pile of trash… But I can change him. I’m going back tonight with all of my Amazon boxes.” 

  • The Terminal Times, 3-20-20

Cocaine Distributors Deemed Essential Businesses In Potential Miami Lockdown

5,000 Miami citizens gathered in South Beach to celebrate the decision.

At an 11am press briefing, local drug dealer Luis Rivera sniffled tears of joy when Mayor Francis Suarez deemed cocaine distributors essential businesses in the potential Miami lockdown. 

Just days after the spring break pandemonium that wreaked havoc on the immune systems of the neighboring elderly communities, Suarez took immediate action in protecting Miami. “Open cocaine trade is absolutely necessary in keeping Miami’s economy as stimulated as it’s people.”

The landmark decision came during Luis’ daughter’s quinceanera. When asked by WSVN7 News his thoughts on the situation, he replied, “Fue  un alivio saber que no iba a estar sin trabajo y que los traficantes pequeños de Miami pueden cuidar sus familias durante estos tiempos difíciles.” 

The Miami cocaine trade makes the city over 10 billion dollars in revenue a year. Half the town was built because of it. But for a small time dealer like Rivera, he’s just happy he can keep his lowrider fueled and his daughter’s quinceanera pinata filled with good candy. At press time, the beaming 16 year old stated,  “Mi papa es un buen hombre. El trabajo puede ser duro y perjudicial para nuestra comunidad, pero papá nos trata bien a mí y a mis tres madrastras. Me encanta.” 

  • Terminal Times, 3-29-20 

“Being Gay Is Gay” Says Local High School Bully

Amidst growing curiosity over his opinion on homosexuality, a local high school bully has spoken up. “Gay people are gay,” says Billy Wheeler, a 10th grader at Knox High School in Toledo, Ohio. 

To Billy, everything is gay. “I never thought I’d be popular in high school. In middle school, everybody used to call me gay, so I started calling them gay and they stopped calling me gay. I became pretty popular for being the dude that wasn’t gay.” 

Teachers have praised Billy for his heroism. “Billy might only be 17, but he has the wisdom of a 22 year-old Jersey Mike’s employee. We cherish his opinions on homosexuality in our classrooms,” says Jan Walters, a special education paraprofessional at the high school. 

Someday, Billy hopes to spread his message outside of his small town high school, and with recent advancements in homophobia technology his dreams might soon become a reality. “I made a TikTok account last week. It’s a great platform for bullying gays and appropriating African American culture.”  

To Billy, bullying isn’t just a hollow defense mechanism to prevent people from calling him the f-word. To Billy, bullying is a way of life. “I didn’t choose to be a bully. I was born to do it.” 

When asked about that one sleepover in 9th grade, Billy declined to comment. 

  • The Terminal Times, 3-22-20