Local Satire Newspaper Demands Resume, Writing Sample, Drivers License, Proof Of Insurance, Saliva Sample, Social Security, Writing Sample Translated To Sanskrit, Full Body Photo And Direct Deposit Info While Joblessness Statistics At An All Time High

Local Satire Newspaper demands resume, sample writing, drivers license, proof of insurance, saliva sample, social security, sample writing translated to Sanskrit, full body photo, and direct deposit info while joblessness statistics hit an all time high.

In what seems like a satire move in of itself, local satire newspaper “The Terminal Times” released a post Monday, offering a position with the paper while demanding actual credentials to get the role. 

“They aren’t even demanding appropriate credentials for employment, such as pronouns, or amount of times they retweeted AOC last week. It’s just disgusting in this environment,” says Dick Coff, local unemployment expert. “I mean at this rate, this newspaper is probably hiring white people and that is the most concerning. They don’t even ask for your race, just a writing sample? These people should be ashamed” he continued. 

As Minnesota’s unemployment rate reaches 3.1%, the white unemployment rate remains at 2.9%. Although the states confusing efforts of keeping Starbucks and Targets open, local authorities are actively seeking to bump that fat lazy whitey unemployment rate to higher than the state’s average. 

“Ya know, we really miscalculated where all these white people work. We really thought we would boost those white unemployment numbers by closing the places with the most hipster beards and beanie combos, but we underestimated how many average looking Caucasian dudes work at places like Menard’s or Lowe’s. The Terminal Times’s post really comes at a tough time for our office” concludes Coff. 

If you’re looking for a job, The Terminal Times is hiring. But don’t come looking for handouts, and make sure to have ransom money and alibis.

• Haley the Dumb Broad, Terminal Times

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