Store Owners Asking Shoppers To Trample Each Other From Safe Distance Tonight

Stores are urging shoppers to keep a safe distance while trampling each other this Black Friday. “Your safety is our number one priority, especially if you’re poor and fat” said local Walmart Manager Hank Kilmer, “we’re requiring masks and at least 6 feet of distance for stomping out other customers.”

Sanitizer is also provided if any hand-to-hand altercations become necessary. “We want to overwhelm the hospitals with head injuries, not COVID cases, people.”

Hank again reminded his employees to put up the wet floor signs around the pools of blood and bones. “Don’t want anyone to get hurt,” they agreed. 

Many customers understand and are in compliance with the order. “Sure, I’ll beat someone within an inch of their life to get an Apple TV, but I’m not going to give somebody COVID,” said shopper Kathy Blum, “I’m not a monster.” 

Even with the precautions, some shoppers are still electing to stay home and shop online. However, to maintain the same experience as in-person shopping, they are waking up at 5:00am and throwing themselves down a flight of stairs (with a mask on, of course.)

  • Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times


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