Laura Kelly, Governor of ThicKansas and dump-truck-butt admirer, has signed the state’s first Ass Mandate. “Starting Tuesday, we will require people who want to congregate to have bodacious booties,” she said in today’s press conference, “It’s simply reckless to let large groups gather without the proper thickage.”
This comes on the heels of essential workers calling for more BBE (Big Booty Energy) due to the lack of Federal ass-istance.
Many are praising the Governor’s executive order, but there is opposition. Many critics believe this body-shames and they ask the governor to reconsider and return to her previous “Don’t Ass, Don’t Tell” policies.
Kelly just shook her head in response to the criticism, stating, “We need large asses, not smart asses.” She also said she had faith that Kansas will “twerk together to a juicier future.”
- Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times