Walz Signs Executive Order To Eliminate Margarine, “Stop The Spread!”

I can’t believe it’s not legal! Starting Tuesday, a margarine ban will be in effect for bars, restaurants, and other indoor venues throughout Minnesota.

Walz issued a statement pleading with residents not to bring their own margarine into restaurants. “We have to get this under control,” he said, “We can’t have another slip-up.”

Critics have unilaterally bashed the Executive Order, taking to the streets to protest and saying things like, “We don’t shut down for butter. Why should we shut down for margarine? More people get heart disease from butter every year!”

Since March, margarine has greased its way around the country and infected millions of baked goods. This is due largely to the fact that many believe it is their right to not only eat margarine, but also to give it to other people without their knowledge or consent. 

Republicans and Democrats have thrown out their well-oiled “slippery slope” argument to combat the order: Conservatives are worried this could be the end of even more spreadable food such as Nutella and Peanut Butter while Progressives also secretly fear for the fate of avocado toast.

President Trump took to Twitter to combat the order, “Don’t let the fear of margarine dominate your lives,” he said, despite most Americans not having healthcare coverage, “don’t be afraid of heart disease.” But he didn’t stop there. “How are the beautiful people of Minnesota going to grease their cooking pans?? LUBRICATE MINNESOTA!”

With more protests on the way, it’s unclear whether this situation will get any butter.

  • Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times

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