Due to the coronavirus and the resulting plethora of paranoid temperature-takers, thermometers are getting more action than ever before. In a recent study by Science Magazine, researchers estimated a 97% increase in ass and mouth action amongst thermometers since the onset of the virus.
“I haven’t gotten this much ass since the late 70’s, when the gays were still into this stuff,” said Jim, an experienced rectal thermometer from Oakland, California. “It’s amazing!”
“Before the pandemic, being a thermometer was kind of boring,” said Jim, as he sat down with reporters for a cup of coffee. “Every once in a while, somebody would stick me up a dog’s asshole, but other than that, there just wasn’t that much action.”
After coffee, Jim stepped outside and lit a cigarette before reminiscing about the late 70’s compared to now. “In the 70’s, I could go to a biker bar at 8pm and be in 5 biker’s asses by 10:30. Incredible. But now, it’s even crazier. I just hang out at a hospital and get action all day!”
- The Terminal Times