Middle-Aged Parents Still Having Tons Of Sex

While the temperatures outside continues to rise this summer, Robert and Jill Murphee of Maple Grove have been bringing the heat in their bedroom as of late. 

According to sources, Robert, 52, and Jill, 49, are reportedly having sex upwards of three to four times per week. The source, the couple’s son Kevin, says that the news has really shaken his world.

“I mean, I just kind of assumed that parents stop doing it by the time they’re like, 40 or something,” says Kevin, who recently moved back in with his parents after a failed year of college. “But like I heard it the other night and it was fucking gross, dude.” 

The couple, who married 22 years ago says that despite recent reports, their sex life has remained consistent throughout the marriage. 

“We’d try and be quiet when Kevin was younger because we didn’t want to wake him up, but I can’t think of a time that Robert hasn’t been giving it to me pretty regularly,” says Jill. 

“What can I say? I’m wildly attracted to my wife’s body,” adds Robert, while sitting only a few feet away from his son. “Plus she’s never been afraid to try new things, and I think that has really been one of the keys to keeping our marriage fresh.” 

Robert and Jill are not alone. A recent study shows that 89 percent of all middle-aged parents are still really tearing into each other at least once a week, much to the chagrin of their children. 

“Sex is like, different now than it was when they were younger,” says Kevin, who received a total of three dry hanjobs during his time at Minnesota State University – Mankato. “Like their generation only had sex so that they could have kids. It’s not like it is today.” 

Despite his son’s misinformed beliefs, Robert was recently spotted purchasing a number of sexual novelties in the local strip mall, located down the street from the Subway restaurant where Kevin works. 

“Oh yeah, we’re up for anything,” says Jill when asked about the purchases. “Toys, videos, roleplay; whatever feels right in the moment.” 

As of press time Kevin has yet to actually witness his parents having sex. But that could change soon. 

“I work from home, so sometimes she’ll surprise me in the middle of the day,” explains Robert. “I actually forget that Kevin is here, and last week he almost caught us in the living room.”

• Patrick Strait, The Terminal Times

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