Catholic Schools Release List Of (CDC Approved) Socially Distanced Physical Punishments

With public life adjusting and changing with the effects of COVID-19, a change is coming from an unlikely source…The Catholic Church. No, not the change we’d all hope for. You know, the rape stuff. Much to my youngest brother’s disappointment, most traditions shall remain untouched by modern societal norms. Instead, there will be updates to the way Sisters keep young kids in line in the classroom. 

As you may have seen recently, Sunday Mass has been conducted in a socially distant manner by means of a Holy Water squirt gun. The classroom changes however, do not have that same spring break sex appeal. For example, Sisters of the Catholic Church will be whipping students with yard sticks rather than the conventional 12 inch ruler to avoid close contact. Instead of the squirt guns portrayed in the mainstream media, sharpshooter nuns will use BB guns to remain socially distant (within firing range). Another change includes keeping all children on a 6ft neck leash for quick snatching purposes should they ask any questions regarding homosexuality or get caught with a science book. The mask requirements are in effect and students will participate in normal recess, but with only one student granted this time each day. The others will be seeking atonement for their sins during this time, of course. “A prayer a day keeps eternal damnation at bay” said Sister Gwendolyn.

Is this a step in the right direction? Could this mean more changes for The Catholic Church in the future? Jesus, the son of God, could not be reached for comment.

• Evan Burgle, The Terminal Times

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