CDC Recommends Hog Farmers Start Using Ham Sanitizer

In a recent statement, Robert Redfield, Head of the CDC, implored hog farmers to start using ham-sanitizer. He argued that “We can’t be too careful. We can’t afford to have another swine flu on our hands.”

While most of the hog farmers have come out in support of the initiative, many of the hogs are protesting. “Bite me, Fauci,” says Sally, a Sioux City sow, “You’re not taking away my mud.” But other pigs have more trust in the new direction. “Look, if we listen to the farmers, I think we’ll be okay,” says Hector, a 180lb hog with dreams of reaching 200lb. “The farmers have done nothing but feed us and shelter us our entire lives. Why wouldn’t we trust them? By the way, has anyone seen my mom? It’s been 3 years, just thought I would ask.”

“You can force-feed us, suffocate us, traumatize us, and eventually kill us for breakfast food, but I will NOT be sanitized,” Sally chants to a crowd of like-minded farm animals, “We will NOT be like the sheep.”

Dr. Fauci backed the new direction, saying,  “We’re going to start asking Americans to care for their pigs. Then we’ll move on to the children.” 

  • Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times

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