Trump Vows To Unlock One Caged Immigrant For Every Two Cans Of Goya Beans Eaten

On Monday, President and author of Art of the Deal demonstrated what the Art of Compromise looks like. “I promise that every time a legal citizen purchases two cans of beautiful Goya Beans, I will release one immigrant child from ICE custody.”

His new immigrant-beans policy will also permit one immigrant adult to be released from ICE custody for every Trump steak eaten. While Republicans in the House and Senate are praising the President, many members of Trump’s base are finding it difficult to cope with this compromise.

“I backed him because of his promise to build walls and put refugee children in cages and ever since this Goya thing, I’m just not sure I can support him,” says New Mexico resident Kasey Mussman.

Goya CEO, Robert Unanue, states that he is “in full support of people eating more Goya Beans,” and that the children being released from ICE custody is a win-win. “I’m against people not eating enough beans and I’m against human rights violations, so this feels like the perfect solution.”

“I think it’s beautiful,” Trump said about his own idea, “in fact, everyone is talking about how beautiful it is and how fair it is. They say ‘I’ve never seen a sitting president do this.’ And I say, ‘I’m not even sitting. I’m standing!'”

Other Presidential candidates weighed in on the new policy. Democrat nominee Joe Biden gave his statement: “I’m completely against this. I was against beans when they were invented and I stand by that.”

Kanye West has also objected on entirely different principles. “These immigrant kids are in these cages by choice. Cages are a mind-set.” He also donated 72 pairs of YEEZY pumps to all ICE agents hoping it will inspire the children to greatness.

Besty DeVoss praised the idea saying that the leftover Goya cans will be reused as urns for American school children who die in the first phases of reopening.

  • Jacob Nuckolls, Terminal Times

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