Amazon Generously Grants Employees Three Piss Jars Per Shift

After several weeks of intense labor negotiations, the employee’s union for Amazon workers announced they have won a hard fought battle to grant three piss jars for every employee per shift at all Amazon distribution centers nationwide.

“It was a tough fight,” says union representative Blake Coulson. “We had a lot of back-and-forth on it. We were forced to give up the right to have bowel movements on the premises, but in the end we decided that you could hold a number 2. But when you’ve gotta go, you’ve gotta go. The only other suggestion we came up with were plastic urethral clips, to try and stem the tide for 8 hours. But after a few cases of ruptured bladders that really cut into our productivity – what with cleaning up the inevitable urine mess and removing the dead bodies due to all the internal bleeding – we just decided that the micturition canisters were the way to go.”

The development has been met with approval by several Amazon delivery employees, who hope the new waste benefits are a sign of more significant rewards to come.

“I’m happy with the whole thing,” says Amazon package specialist Troy Wakeman. “For so long I’ve been going in the bulk stockpile of copies of ’50 Shades of Gray’ books we’ve got kept in the northeast back corner, but the smell was starting to get real bad. My clothes smell like piss all the time. My children won’t even hug me when I come home from work anymore. So yeah, this is a good thing, as far as I’m concerned. Hopefully at the next round of negotiations we can win a lunch break with real food. These I.V. fluids they have us hooked up to all day so we don’t have to stop to eat are really clumsy.”

The move was also heralded by CEO Jeff Bezos as a high-water mark for worker’s dignity and staff/management relations.

“With these new worker’s contracts, Amazon proves that it’s committed to it’s motto of ‘Work hard, have fun, make history.’ Employees are now fully entitled to safely drain the snake on the go during their shifts up to and including three times, with our new portable urinary receptacles, which will also allow them to get back to the job they love so much, with no loss of efficiency in getting the packages to the customer on time in the breakneck speed with no regard to human frailty, personal respect, or possibility of mortality that the world has come to expect from us here at Amazon.” Later adding, “during this interview I’ve made enough money to buy new water pipes for Flint, Michigan three times over.”

• Phil Kolas, The Terminal Times

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