Vape Pacifiers Outlawed

In a totally lame turn of events, little sprouts aren’t allowed to toot their sweet little cloud puffers any more, dude.

A sleaze chunk of bad types called “politicians,” I guess, decided that little squawks up to the age of 5 years are prohibited from getting their voop on with pacifiers, leading to a vapepocalypse of epic proportions.

“It’s not fair,” says local cloud chaser Zardoz Kumquat, legal name. “I was all set for my baby Popcorn Lung. We named him that because we thought it sounded so cute, just like him. I had gotten Baby’s First Fingerless Gloves and everything.”

There are plans for vapelyfe gods to get together and ride the mist into some legislative changes to fight for their rights to give their babies their own personal tiny tootle puffers, but that trip has its own challenges, as none of the vooper are registered to vote, and most don’t know how to read. Vooperbaiting.

“It’s like the tankinistas I met at the Gathering of the Juggalos always say: ‘It’s better to vape on your feet than breathe on your knees.’ I don’t know what else I can to do, I just know I have to do something. Otherwise we’re never going to be able to make the baby’s room smell like burnt pancakes.”

• Phil Kolas, The Terminal Times

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