MPD Announces Semi-Trucks As Part Of Riot Response Team

“The horrible events at 35W on Sunday were eye-opening,” said a spokesperson for the MPD on Monday, “our eyes have been opened to the potential great American truck drivers would have as part of our riot response team.”

This follows the events of Sunday in which a semi tanker barreled into a group of hundreds of peaceful protestors. “It was a horrible accident,” said the spokesperson while winking, “and we are grateful these protestors lived so we could tear-gas them later.”

“It’s a miracle no one got hurt,” said one officer, “and a real tragedy.”

This provides the Minneapolis police department with a whole new field for recruiting. Previously, they were recruiting mainly “high school bullies and people who say having a gun is the best thing about being a cop,” but now they can hire from a whole new demographic – traveling white supremacists. 

“We believe in the right to peaceful protests,” said the officer, “ but that right ends when you hear the horn of a semi-truck and don’t get out of the way in time.”

• Jacob Nuckolls, The Terminal Times

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