On Monday, Chick-Fil-A rolled out their most progressive initiative yet, in what they’re calling “a victory for all LGBBQ people.” They have decided to serve only queer chickens to their guests from this moment forward.
“Our company has grown,” says Doug Michaels, Chick-Fil-A spokesperson, “the time for straight chicken sandwiches is over, I need queer meat in my mouth!”
LGBTQ advocates around the country are “confused,” and “unsure why this is a good thing,” but Chick-Fil-A continues to insist that all of their animals are gay.
“Those cows with the sign?” Michaels continues, “Yeah, they’re super gay too.”
They’ve hired acclaimed gay-rights activist JK Rowling to give their animals a complete “gay makeover,” but so far that campaigns consists of changing nothing and tweeting that the chickens were gay this whole time.
In an interview on Tuesday, CEO Dan Cathy admitted it was a risky move. “Some of our customers believes you can catch gay from eating gay chicken sandwiches,” he said,” which is ridiculous. Heat cooks out the gay.”
“We will not kill a single straight chicken from here on out,” says Cathy on Twitter, “we will now only serve roosters that love other cocks.”
- Jacob Nuckolls, The Terminal Times