Fat People Everywhere Sob As State Fair Canceled

“This ones tough,” said Darren Michalson, obese pipefitter and state fair enthusiast. “My wife and children go every year. It’s a family tradition. My daughter got her first stretch mark after last year’s fair and we were hoping we could get her four more come September.”

On Friday, May 22nd the Minnesota state fair board announced the decision to cancel the upcoming 2020 “Great Get Together” due to coronavirus concerns.

“It wasn’t easy to do. Hundreds of thousands rely on us to put on weight for winter, but this year they’re going to have to look elsewhere to satiate their need for fried spam, cheese, and shitty overpriced cookies,” said Jerry Hammer, state fair CEO, while swimming in a pool of cheese money.

“I don’t think I can go a summer without a pronto pup,” said local plumber Dan Anderson, while covered in mustard. “I buy those damn state fair corn dogs, but they just don’t taste as good without a teenager making them in a sauna.”

• The Terminal Times

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