Baby Demands Return Of Nose, Unharmed

Tensions were high today after baby Hobbs’ nose was held for ransom by his father, Dadda. In one quick movement, Dadda declared, “Oop, got your nose!” and Hobbs was robbed of what he held most dear. Hobbs demanded an immediate release of his nose, stating he will meet any of the kidnapper’s demands.

“I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want,” Hobbs said, recounting his words to the kidnapper, “but if you are looking for ransom, I don’t have money. What I do have is a very specific set of skills, and if you do not return my nose, I will vomit on your smartphone and turn myself into a human diarrhea machine.”

The nose was returned shortly after issuing this statement. Hobbs’ lawyer stated he will not be pressing charges despite his client have sustained, “multiple psychological boo-boo’s,” because of the incident. 

The kidnapper got off with a slap on the wrist – one week of diaper duty. Hobbs vowed to make him remember the upcoming week.

“I didn’t do it for me,” said Hobbs after his nose was returned, “I did it for all the other babies who have had their noses taken, or lost a loved one to peak-a-boo, or for the kids who were told ‘here comes the plane,’ when it was, in fact, not a plane but a spoonful of soft squash.” 

  • Jacob Nuckolls, The Terminal Times

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