In a video conference from the capitol building on Friday, Mitch McConnell announced through multiple layers of chicken flaps that he took a DNA test and he is, in fact, 100% that Mitch.
“I thought the test results would be more exciting, like maybe 90% white (supremacist) and 10% mechanically separated chicken, but the results were a bit more… urban… than that. Turns out, I am 100% that Mitch.”
For all the other people named Mitch in the world, the news has been devastating. “White men are great, and white men named Mitch are even greater,” said McConnell. “But the truth is that I’m the only Mitch that matters. And for all the other Mitch’s- sometimes, the truth hurts.”
- The Terminal Times