D.C. – In a sweeping, bilateral move, the Senate has officially passed the “Most Voters Left Behind” Act that changes the legal voting age to 71.
“We want to select voters that represent our candidates well,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, “And we just felt the younger generation didn’t understand our candidates. We’re targeting a demographic whose only Tik-Toks come from a grandfather clock.”
“We can’t give them all healthcare,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, “but we can give a select few the privilege to vote, which would allow cloudy-eyed perverts like myself to continue running the country.”
The bill also provides cash stipends to individuals of any age who interject the phrase, “voting doesn’t even matter,” into casual conversations. In a widely acclaimed section, the bill also approves of a “negative vote,” which is a vote that counts against a candidate if the vote is cast by an ethnic or religious minority.
When asked to sign the bill, President Trump stated, “Fine, I’ll take the bill. But I’m not tipping.”
– Jacob Nuckolls, The Terminal Times